I like to think that I have everything under control, well–most things. I choose the time I wake up; the time I get into work, what I have for breakfast and so on. To a certain extent that is true, the alarm on my phone was set by me and I know what food is in the house so I can plan what to eat, but it’s really an illusion, I’m not in control at all.

My phone could suddenly die causing the alarm not to go off and even if it didn’t, maybe I could be so tired that it doesn’t wake me up anyway. There could be problems with my train making it difficult for me to get into work on time, or at all. I like to cling on to the little control I have over my life and it’s often a shock when something happens that makes me realise that I’m not in control at all. Nothing has brought me closer to that realisation that what’s been on our minds for most of this month.

Hannah and I have been trying for a child for almost two years. It’s not something we thought would be difficult, so many people around us have done it; our parents, friends and family members. We didn’t give it much thought at first (well, I didn’t), I always thought it would–just happen. When it didn’t, we thought there was something we could change to fix it, maybe the issue is with us. We tried different medicines, timescales, diets. We saw doctors, took tests, but nothing seemed to change and we don’t know why.

We see ourselves as relatively healthy people. We both don’t drink, smoke, or eat large amounts of unhealthy food. And although we’re both very open to adoption, it would be nice to know for sure that we won’t be able to have our own, and why. We’re both in limbo, uncertain of what our next steps are. This all brings us back to the fact that we’re not in control. Life under the sun (beneath the heavens) doesn’t make sense to us.

Maybe God intends for us to adopt, or to wait a few months/years before giving us a child of our own or, to not have any children whatsoever. It’s almost humbling not knowing what to do next. Taking the burden off ourselves and giving it to God. Taking the questions, the decisions, the crying late nights away and giving it to someone else. Saying, God, whatever you want for us we’ll take it willingly. It’s tough but much better than the alternative.

Ollie

Photo ‘Pilots taking off’ Jon Flobrant from unsplash.